That Time I Was Wiccan

I’ve reached a point in my Paganism where I feel ready to start crafting spells and rituals. In preparing to do so, I learned something surprising. Am I really a new Pagan? Is the premise of this blog a lie? Because as it turns out, I already have a Book of Shadows, and it’s ten years old.

While I’m fine with writing drafts of stuff in my all-purpose notebook, I knew I wanted a designated place for final copies of spells, prayers, invocations, and the like. I usually have unused notebooks lying around and I recalled one that would work well: small, unlined, with a handmade black paper cover stamped with gold designs. When I fished it out, I was surprised to realize that it wasn’t unused; in fact, it had already been used for that exact purpose. Ten years ago.

In January 2009, I was newly returned to university after winter break and high on the realization that I was an adult alone in a big city where I could go shopping for books on witchcraft if I wanted. I chose Scott Cunningham’s Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner (and a forgettable spell book that I never used and no longer own). As I read Wicca, I took notes on the book and other things I read about Wicca and Paganism online, and recorded spells, prayers, and my history with witchcraft. This Book of Shadows details thoughts and events from 2009 and years before that I’d completely forgotten, so I’m glad I still have it.

Attribution Confusion

I’m trying to break myself of the habit of copying things out of books. I’ve done it since I was a kid; I probably got started because library books needed to be returned eventually. After many years in grad school, I’ve finally learned that a) my thoughts on b) select information make the best notes. One thing that stands out to me from my 2009 Book of Shadows is how little appears to be copied from somewhere else. At first I was confused: where are the citations? I don’t go full MLA on personal writing, but I tend to at least note titles and authors. Indeed, there are places in the Book of Shadows where I did so. I even wrote out a few URLs. Most of it is unattributed, though, and it eventually dawned on me that I wrote most of those spells, prayers, and invocations myself. I’m impressed by how willing I apparently was to engage so wholeheartedly with witchcraft.

A lot has happened in my life since 2009, including a period of depression and creative stagnation brought on by my immersion in an internet culture that sorts people into good and evil and stifles nonconformity with vicious call-outs and swift shunning. I’ve worked hard to get past that—my blogs are my proudest testament to my progress—but 2019 me is undeniably more hesitant than 2009 me, even when it comes to writing that no one else will ever see.

“The best is the enemy of the good.” –Voltaire

The most disappointing thing about my 2009 Book of Shadows is that it ends after only about 40 pages. I was clearly hindered by a perfectionist, all-or-nothing mindset, and too many entries are plagued by self-criticism and self-doubt. I was apparently convinced that if I didn’t write every day or memorize things quickly enough, I was a bad witch who couldn’t possibly be serious about Paganism. I eventually gave up in frustration. It’s hard to read, but it’s also gratifying to look back at my old hangups and see how much I’ve improved in that area.

Personal Witchy History

My Book of Shadows chronicles all my encounters with witchcraft dating back another ten years to 1999, when I was in 5^th grade and successfully attempted to make friends with a girl I liked by asking her, “Don’t you wish you were a witch?” I remember that—it’s a pretty epic pick-up line, especially from a 10-year-old—but what I didn’t remember was that we apparently kept witchcraft journals we called “W Diaries” for secrecy purposes. It’s probably safe to say that that journal—which I still have, albeit with the salient pages ripped out—was my first Book of Shadows.

The 2009 Book of Shadows also mentions a spell I apparently performed when I was 14 or so. I’m pretty impressed by my audacity: during a storm, I worked some magic (sadly, there’s no record of how) in an attempt to bring down power lines in a specific part of town and bring certain people over to my house as a result of the outage. It worked. Back then and in 2009, though, I was convinced that successful magic was necessarily followed by divine punishment. This was my wildly incorrect interpretation of the Rule of Three.

The Witchy Internet

In 2009, I found the witchy internet. That wasn’t a good thing. Here’s a quote from the Book of Shadows: “I got hung up on the comments of testy, goth-y Wiccans hanging out on internet forums and slamming any new devotee who asked a simple question. I started to feel like that’s what Wicca is all about: an ‘in’ crowd and the new kids…’high-level players’ and ‘noobs.’ They seriously talked about it like it was a video game!” Shortly after this comment, the Book of Shadows ends.

So, Am I Wiccan?

I don’t know? Obviously, I’ve been drawn to Wicca for years. When I started this blog, I was convinced I was absolutely uninterested in Wicca, thanks in large part to some serious misconceptions I had. Now I’m not sure. I need to read more. And I plan to do a lot more writing in my newly revived Book of Shadows.