One Year of Paganism

I promised that when Imbolc 2020 rolled around, I would look back at my first year of Paganism and consider where I’m headed next. I didn’t anticipate that one year would go by so quickly! It took me a little while to organize my thoughts but here they are. I’ve separated them into sections that helped me think logically about where I’ve been and what’s to come.

What Worked

• I’ll start with the obvious: Paganism. I’m still here. Although I experienced doubts and setbacks, at no point did I reconsider my choice to walk a Pagan path. There are things I’d like to do differently in the coming year but try a new religion isn’t one of them. I am overwhelmingly sure that I want to stick with Paganism.
• Awareness of nature. I’ve been developing my conscious relationship with nature for a few years longer than I’ve been practicing Paganism. Marking seasonal changes by celebrating sabbats deepened my connection with the natural world and leant more meaning to that connection.
• Tuning into online Pagan conversations. I originally titled this bullet point “discovering online community” but I don’t think that’s quite right: I don’t feel a sense of community with the bloggers I now follow and I’m unsure of the extent to which they are in community with one another. But I’m now aware of the discussions happening in the online Pagan world and I’ve learned a lot about Pagan culture and history from people who’ve been practicing for a lot longer than I have.

What Didn’t Work

• Attending Pagan events. I wanted to do this but it just didn’t happen. By the time I was aware of upcoming Pagan events within travel distance, it was already late summer. I put a few on my calendar but then I broke my foot and sprained my ankle, which made it difficult to walk and impossible to drive for several months. I’ll have to try again this year.

What Needs Work

• This blog. I didn’t blog in a timely fashion and I didn’t do it enough; according to the advice of one prominent Pagan writer, who maintains that successful blogs must update at least once a week, I “have no business blogging” (cue a combination of amusement and despair). Sometimes I got busy and didn’t make time for blogging. But the bigger issue for me is how vulnerable it feels to write publicly about religion, especially after advertising my blog on social media where my real-life family and friends could see. I doubt any of them read this blog but it’s hard to write when my inner critic speaks in their voices: family regretfully thinking I had more sense than this, classmates sneeringly wondering where I get the time, and friends worrying that I’m turning into an obnoxious stereotype. My inner critic is probably unfair to my loved ones—these concerns don’t necessarily represent reality—but it’s been difficult to push past anxieties about what others think to write honestly and openly.
• Regular practice. I’m sure one isn’t supposed to admit this, but when it comes to “hustle” and “grit” I’m a big shrug emoji. I can work hard and get things done…when I have to or when I’m passionate about the subject matter. I’m not great at doggedly grinding away in pursuit of gradual improvement. I wanted to engage in regular devotional practice but I didn’t do it. I’d set goals for myself, fail to meet them consistently, and stop before I could form a habit. (Did I mention I’m a terrible perfectionist?) But I suspect my bigger problem might be that I’m not good at acknowledging progress. In the coming year, I need to a) remember that regular Pagan practice is something I want, b) stop expecting sudden, drastic change from myself, and c) become more aware of my successes, particularly the small and gradual ones I so often overlook.
• Attention to deity. Last year I didn’t talk about Gods, like, at all. This was the result of two aforementioned struggles: fear of doing it wrong and fear of what others would think. What if I screw up and insult a deity? What if the Gods don’t want anything to do with me? What if I literally never have enough information to begin honoring a God or Goddess in a respectful way? I’m starting to feel less worried about these things. But there’s one persistent anxiety that’s holding me back from approaching and/or writing about deity: what if my (rational, educated, Christian or atheist) family and friends think I’m foolish or unbalanced or childish or disappointing? I know it shouldn’t matter what others think of my religion. I know my Christian friends perceive or worry about the same judgment from their atheist acquaintances! And I suspect the best thing to do is to pursue what calls to me and write about my experiences honestly, using the good judgment and communication skills I know I possess. I’m not radically changed from the person I was before my Paganism became active practice and public knowledge, so if someone thinks I’ve suddenly become unhinged, they’re not using good judgment. Since I can’t control what others think, that will have to be good enough for me.

This was a hard post for me to write. I realized as I made final revisions that it’s a sort of sequel to my post on imposter syndrome, where I also discuss Paganism as both practice and identity and examine some of my doubts and difficulties. But I also see ways in which I’ve changed since I wrote that post, and I think that’s a sign of progress.